Crushed but not Destroyed

I am not leaving on August 16th. In fact, I no longer know when I am leaving. Not leaving on the 16th means not going to orientation on the 18th in England. It means not leaving from England for Switzerland on the 1st of September and it means I have to call and re-arrange my flight for an unspecified future date. It shouldn't really be so disorienting but I guess I kind of liked knowing that there was a plan, and now I can't really see what the plan is at all. My new deadline is to be in Switzerland before the 17th of September because that is when I have to take a language placement test to be a student at the University of Lausanne. But, between here and there it's all kind of a blur of what to do and how to go about doing it. The reason I am not going is because I have to have 100% of my budget either pledged or given before I can step on a plane. As of right now I have 68%. I have come so far and yet it still feels as though I am very far away. It is sort of like swimming against a current. You use a lot of energy to push yourself up stream and yet when you pause for breath you still see familiar landmarks as you are pushed toward your starting point. In many ways I feel as overwhelmed as I did when I was starting from 0%. Yet, I definitely know more now than I did before and I have some really awesome stories of God at work. However, it is hard to deal with the disappointment of not going and yet soldiering on so eventually I can go.  I also struggle to see my circumstances from God’s perspective. After all, he is powerful and a God of miracles even today. It is totally possible that he could still allow me to go on the 16^th. I see 32% as a huge hurdle but God could be using this time to strengthen my dependence on him. Or, perhaps, he wanted to give me more time to say goodbye. When I leave for Switzerland, I will be there for two years and I am not planning on coming back during that time. 

Last week I was at Caswell with the youth group. It was such a great time of worship and fellowship. But it was also a hard time of saying lots of goodbyes. Even though I will see some of those people again it was still emotional! It was also hard for everyone to say goodbye to the seniors. The theme of Caswell was based off of 1 Timothy 4:12 where Paul urges Timothy not to let anyone look down on him because he is young but to set an example for the other believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity. We were encouraged to speak up, step up, and stand up just as many young people in the Bible did. In my evening CBC small group, I was so encouraged by the girls honesty and passion. They helped turned a great week into an awesome week. 

So many words, Ruth! I know, but if you get nothing else out of this post: listen to the song Trading My Sorrows because it perfectly sums up how I'm feeling disappointed but laying it all down before God.

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